Being 11 days from our due date on October 15, Megan and I have been noticing that we’ve been getting asked similar questions from friends, acquaintances, random strangers, church ladies, disinterested hipsters… you get the idea. This, no doubt, is my fault, because I haven’t blogged about anything in two months, and those posts were about our dead chickens. So, I guess, my bad.
So for the sake of getting past the small talk the next time you see us, here are a series of questions that you would be decidedly unoriginal in asking…
Megan, How are you feeling?
She wants to punch you. In the face. Hard. But she’s really nice so she actually doesn’t do that. How do you THINK she is feeling? She feels about as good as you can at 38+ weeks. Heartburn, lower back pain, fatigue, urge to nest, husband who should be rubbing my feet but is blogging instead… what else you want to know?
Megan, are you getting any sleep? You better get it now because you won’t get any when the baby comes…
It’s really quite shocking that you haven’t been punched in the face yet. Be VERY THANKFUL you haven’t been punched in the face. She is sleeping reasonably well, all things considered. You try having a 7 pound bowling ball sitting on your bladder.
Is it true that most first babies come late?
Oh no, I’m so sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but you have now been PUNCHED IN THE FACE!!! It must not feel great to have the shit beaten out of you by a 9-month pregnant lady! Ahem, so the answer is “yes.” Here’s some ice for that, and please, how bout something a little more mundane…
Do you have your hospital bag packed yet?
Now that’s better! The answer is “mostly.” Still some essentials we’ll need to throw in at the last minute like some kind of potassium-rich Odwalla product.
Is Megan working up through the birth?
Yep.
OMG WHAT WILL SHE DO IF SHE GOES INTO LABOR DURING WORK?
Ummm… she’ll drive home. Then we’ll hang out for a while to do some fun stuff in early labor. We have a bunch of TV shows queued up on Netflix, like This American Life. Maybe throw in some 30 Rock on Hulu or something. I guess there’s a common perception that you go from zero-to-sixty during labor. It’s not like she’ll be typing away on some memo one minute and all of a sudden the Oregon Food Bank will be washed away in a sea of amniotic fluid and mucous plugs the next. Most labors take a long time to develop, and you’re not supposed to go to the hospital until contractions are five minutes apart and, lasting at least a minute, for an hour, which can take a while. Any good ideas for early labor activities?
How much time are you taking off after the baby’s born?
Megan is taking 12 weeks, the maximum allowed since that horrible socialist Bill Clinton passed some law in 1993 saying they can’t fire new moms for taking care of their kids. She has to run out all of her sick and vacation time, then go on “short-term disability” for a couple of weeks (is it me, or is it just BAT SHIT CRAZY that in America, one of the most normal of human events legally renders one with a short term disability?). I’m taking 4 weeks, but splitting it – two weeks after the baby is born, and 2 weeks after Megan finishes her leave.
Are you breastfeeding? (this can sometimes be asked with a leading inflection… like, “you’re breast feeding, right?”)
Me, no. Megan intends to, and hopefully she and baby will figure it out, either on their own or with the help of friends and lactation experts. But this is not an easy task for everyone. The answer is, we hope to.
Is “Joe the Baby” just an in-utero name, or are you actually considering naming the kid “Joe?”
The likelihood is no, though if we did, I think his name would be Josiah. That way we could say “you’re named after a dude in the Bible and the best fictitious president our nation has ever seen on TV,” as opposed to, “you are named after an unlicensed Ohioan plumber.”
Do you have a name picked out?
No. We have a short list of about 4 or 5 names. We’re not telling you the names because we really don’t care about your douchebag friend in high school that had that name. I’ll give you two hints… His name cannot start with R, because his initials would then stand for “Republican National Committee.” Also, his name will not start with “M,” because with parents named Matt and Megan, it would be just too cheesy. I am very sorry to those of you who were pulling for Martin Luther Ching. Maybe cousin Lani will get a brother someday.
OMG SWINE FLU IS GOING TO KILL YOUR BABY WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
Relax, people. H1N1 vaccines are being rationed by our evil communist government so the most vulnerable populations – including pregnant women – can get them first. Isn’t rationing terrible? Actually, hospitals are imposing some pretty severe restrictions on visitors – we’re not even sure if Megan’s parents will be able to come to the hospital. So we may have to wait til we see them at our house before they infect us with swine flu.
Are you giving birth in a hospital? (you have to seem really tentative when you ask this one. Like, I know y’all are crunchy, so I’m not judging, I swear!)
Yes. So it breaks down like this… We wanted to do a water birth, so there are only two hospitals in the area that do water births that are covered by Megan’s insurance. The one that we felt the best about was Legacy Salmon Creek in Vancouver – nice new facility, a great small midwife practice, and new delivery rooms that include the option of a water birth. Moreover, they have a room in the maternity ward called “nourishment” that contains free refills on Coke. So they definitely know what they’re doing!
Can we bring you dinner once the baby is born?
Awww, that’s so sweet. Megan really didn’t mean to punch you in the face that one time. YES! We’ve set up a Calendar on a neat app called MealBaby.com that we believe is now functional. The calendar is live, and you can access it by clicking here, but since we don’t know when the kid is emerging, it’s empty right now. If you’d like to sign up for an evening during the week or a weekend, just sign up – it’s pretty easy, and if you can’t figure it out, just ask some 10-year old. We will have no shame in e-mailing this out right after baby is born…
Much love, all. Check Facebook and the Twitter feed in the right-hand column for late-breaking updates on Joe’s jailbreak.
Fun to read this, Matt and Megan! You are totally right re: early labor… we were cramming in the last season of The Wire and got through a whole bunch of them! But, it was a bit complex– the beautiful thing about that show– so I did have them stall during contractions.
My suggestion: get one of those big yoga ball chair things to sit/roll around on at home. I’m sure someone has one you can borrow.
Sorry we can’t deliver food, but sending good wishes!
LOVE your blog, Matt! You are too funny. We are waiting on “pins and needles” at EMO for news of the baby! Please let us know how it goes.
Loved, loved, loved the blog post! Can relate to most of it. Am so jealous of the water birth option AT the hospital!
It’s obvious “Joe” is a lucky little man with two adoring, fun parents waiting anxiously for his arrival. Keep enjoying this adventure.
You sound like you are going into this with a good balance of excitement and level headedness
P.S. Don’t punch me in the face for this but I do have a book suggestion for you and Megan about bf. It’s called The Nursing Mother’s Companion. I don’t want to be one of those oh you have to read this book or you’ll screw everything up people – but I had a lot of unanticapted problems in that arena and found this book to be really helpful and sane (as opposed to sometimes unrealistic out of touch with real life books). Just feel an obligation to pass along, take it or leave it!!
i love it! i wanted a t-shirt with the top ten answers to stupid questions.
my personal favorite series of questions/responses went like this:
q: do you know what you’re having?
a: um, a baby.
q: no, i mean, what kind of baby are you having?
a: andy’s gunning for a pony, but i really want a kitten.
q: no, i mean, is it a boy or a girl?
a: probably! actually, we’re crossing our fingers for intersex. why let gender limit our child? i want “little it” to know that the sky’s the limit, and anything is possible!
that last little bit would usually shut up even the most curious, well meaning stranger. he he he.
We’re having a unicorn! Hopefully by C-Section.
this is hilarious, Matt. i think i’ll bookmark it and keep it in mind when i’m talking to other 9+ month or even 8+ month pregnant people
i’d offer to bring you dinner, but it might not be so fresh by the time i get it to you from So Cal.
congrats again to the two of you!
Thanks for articulating my pain and suffering in a comical way that we all can enjoy. C’mere I wanna punch ya
Is it obvious that I didn’t read this when you posted it. Ouch! That hurt! Send me an email so I can sign up to bring you dinner.
Good luck with what will be the biggest change in your life ever!
Was amused by your comment about what if the baby comes when she’s at work?
When Dave was born, his mom was working at Hartford Hospital. We lived literally right across the street from the ER. Two weeks before due date, Norma came home at 4pm, felt a little queasy. We decided to walk across to the ER just in case. By the time we had gone 50 yards across the street she was having contractions… baby delivered 1/2 hour later… the next morning there were interns in her room at 8AM asking her questions about her patients…
So, yeah, what happens most of the time doesnt happen all the time.
Incidentally, Kevin, Dave’s younger brother, was almost three weeks late… ya nevah know…
Matt, your are hilarious! And congrats!
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